Here's a disclaimer: I'm going to be talking about some personal stuff in this entry so feel free to skip it if it makes you uncomfortable.  I've debated with myself whether or not I should post this at all, but I think in my personal blog I can choose what I information I share or keep to myself.

To begin, there are a couple of reasons why I decided to post this.  One, we heard recently that an acquaintance from Ottawa (who J and I used to be closer with, about 7 years ago, but who distanced himself from us) passed away a couple of days ago.  Upon reading the obituary, there was no cause of death mentioned.  He was 31 years old.  I know that this person suffered from depression and anxiety.  I have no idea what happened and I imagine details will start to emerge over the next little while.  My thoughts and love go out to his family and friends.  He was a hilarious guy who knew how to have a good time.  Today I attended a full day course which was required for some volunteer work I have started.  The course was called "Responding to Child Abuse and Neglect".  One of the sections discussed something called 'the rule of optimism' which can lead to people making excuses and always trying to think the best of the situation when they see indications that a child may be in danger of abuse or neglect.  I think that this 'rule of optimism' can also apply to how we view others around us, whether they are family members, friends, co-workers, etc and sometimes it's important to get past this rule of optimism and see if there really is something wrong.

It's not a new concept that mental health has a stigma attached to it, although people have started to try and turn this around.  With the amount of people who suffer from some sort of mental health issue, it's important that people understand and take action if it is needed.  I have dealt with anxiety issues probably for most of my life, although they became much worse in my last couple of years of high school.  I had physical manifestations, such as tension headaches, feeling unable to breathe properly, and once I even broke out in hives until I decided to remove the stressor from my life.  I went to our GP once around this time, and was told that I was stressed out and was prescribed massage therapy, which our insurance didn't cover, and I didn't follow it up again for several years.  It is something that is generally there, sometimes low lying, other times excruciating.  At the worst times, I feel like I can't get a proper breath in, I feel panicked and I actually have physical pain in my chest/stomach.  This makes it really hard to sleep and even when I'm doing something really fun with friends, it's hard to enjoy myself with this happening.  I finally consulted another GP at the beginning of 2012 and got some help, which has made my life much better.  People who know me - as the readers of this blog do - often describe me as fun, outgoing, happy, friendly, etc.  I was willing to move across the world, try something new, I have a great life, an amazing career, a happy relationship and fantastic friends/family.  Jeremy has been really supportive and encouraging in trying to help.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes it's hard to tell that something is wrong and it's hard to explain why, as well.  I don't know why I'm affected by anxiety - genetics, environment, personality, predisposition, brain chemistry?  It's anyone's guess.  I have been hearing a lot lately about lasting effects of bullying into adulthood and although I was lucky enough to escape bullying for much of my life, I had a terrible year in grade 7.  I was an innocent little country girl and I’m not sure why that was so offensive, but among other things one day after I came back to the change room from gym class, someone had written a note and put it with my clothes which said; “Die bitch die”.  It was a relief to move to a new town in grade 9 and find some wonderful friends, many who I am still close to.  So...I'm not sure what my message really is here.  I guess I'm sharing this because I want to say that I'm not ashamed and don't think it's something to be hidden behind closed doors.  It's something that I think almost everyone will have an encounter with in their life, whether they experience it personally or know someone who does and acting like it's a shameful secret propagates negative stigma.  Anyhow, that's about it.  It was just something that was on my mind.