An open letter...to my cats

Dear Salmon and Mackerel,

I thought I would take this opportunity to get a few things off my chest.  Since we share the same space daily, it's always good to clear the air once in awhile.

This house has an exciting feature - a cat door!  I know that you both enjoy spending time inside and outside.  We offer you that privilege freely!  So lucky.  The cat door is a marvelous invention - you simply hop through the swingy thing, and then you are on the other side.  It's almost magical.  But cats...we have had to modify this wonderful creation because you are too damn finicky!  Holding the cat door up with silver duct tape is less visually appealing, but that's what we must do.  Otherwise, you refuse to use the door at all.  Sometimes, when it's 42 degrees (like it is today), the tape becomes un-sticky and you "can't" (won't) use the door.  In a case like this, instead of going out to do your 'business' you instead go directly on the bathmat, and then paw at it so it's all weird and folded.  When an unsuspecting person goes to drape it over the side of the shower, there is an unpleasant splat and a horrible surprise (I'm looking at you, Sam).

That new black chair that we bought for everyone to enjoy is not solely reserved for the use of cats!  In fact, since it is black and you both have at least some light coloured fur, it would probably be best if you just avoided that chair.  There are so many other places to sit and lie down!  Our new black chair is now covered in a thick layer of cat hair - the least you could do is take a vacuum to it.

When I bought you those special healthy green treats at the pet store, it wasn't just for my own pleasure.  Cats are supposed to 'love' these 'delicious' treats.  Apparently you two weren't part of the focus group!  You turn your nose up at these every time...and they were expensive!  Speaking of food, you are fed twice a day, morning/evening, and this is not likely to change any time soon.  So
you can kindly quit freaking out at any point that the food bowl is less than 50% full.  We will keep feeding you, I promise!

Mac, it would be most appreciated if you would stop murdering the wildlife and bringing it into the house to dispose of.  I especially would enjoy if you refrained from bringing live birds into the house when we're not home.  When we're here, at least (in a flurry of screaming and waving arms around) I can rescue the poor thing.  When we're not, it is really not enjoyable to come home to a house that looks like 18 feather pillows exploded all over it.

Cats, I hope you will take these details into consideration.  I feel that from our past interactions, you are more likely to ignore them and keep going about your life as you wish.  You are just very lucky that you're adorable!

Sincerely,

Your feeder, cleaner, entertainment provider, landlord, etc etc.